I hate watching TV shows like House or Grey’s Anatomy because the medical environment causes me so much anxiety. I seem to have at least 2 or 3 symptoms of every disease that they showcase. My heart beats fast and hard. I have to take deliberate deep breaths. I feel it.
The nurse calls my name and takes me through the heavy unmarked wooden door to an exam room. She shows me the hospital gown to put on and leaves the room. I put on the gown and sit on the bed and wait for another nurse to come in and tell me what to do next. I wait and wait some more. I take a deep breath and let it slowly out. I go over Psalm 16 that I memorized several months ago. I get up and peek out the drawn blinds to get at least a glimpse of sunshine and blue skies. I lay back down on the hospital bed, recite Psalm 16 in my head and wonder if I should say it out loud. I let my mind drift and picture a hospital emergency with me as the center of attention. I shake my head to get that image out and instead picture my friends and family who I know are praying for me. My breathing calms down. I relax and pray for healing. I pray for God’s will to be accomplished in my life. I sing (totally in my head), “Have thine own way, Lord, Have thine own way. Thou art the potter, I am the clay. Mold me and make me after thy will. Till I am … molded? yielded? waiting? (I can’t remember the last words so I just start the verse over again) Have thine own way, Lord…”
I realize I am not alone. There is no one around. I think they may have forgotten me here in this little room but I am not alone. I am strengthened by this awareness. I am content to just be here in this medical space with beeps and buzzers sounding off, with people coming and going in the hall discussing colons and bleeding and “are you allergic to any medications?” And here I am immersed in this panic-inducing environment, relaxed and confident. I am not alone. God’s peace that is beyond understanding wraps around me and holds me tight.
Thank you, God.
Thank you, friends and family.
I hope you have a great day!